Human Cat

• I always have this sick inkling that the people that love me only do when I am happy, so, with that said, it is nice to know that something on this earth comes and finds me whenever it I that I am at my worst. I am going to do something with the term human cat, I think it deserves more than a lousy blog title. 
• I cannot stop thinking about the concept of family and it (among other things) is making me lose my mind. It is not exactly that I feel like other people are like under-appreciative or something, it just isn't something you can cherish as much when you have it, like everything else. I just hope that if I have kids that they have ketchup always in the fridge, and I know this isn't all about condiments or anything, but right now it is, and I think if your child opens their fridge there should be the dips and sauces that they want, ya know?
• My mom never taught me how to make rice, or really cook anything. I was trying to remember today the last time my mom made me a meal, even so much as a snack. And I remembered. Last month I went over to the friend's house that my mom is staying at, and she was making lunch for herself, and asked if I wanted a turkey burger, I ate two I think. My parents love to do this thing where they display their lives to me in such a way that I cannot fathom any hope for my own future. There is no opportunity to live in a family setting whatsoever, because my mom lives in a small bedroom strew with clothing, food, and what-have-you's. I don't really find it an option to live with my father because technically he lives in Fairfax, and also if I were to go to his Nevada City house I would live in the constant fear of him losing it (about to lose his second house this year), intertwined with the anxiety of every airplane, helicopter, car wheels, car doors, noise in the forest that a person can handle. Some days I am more worrisome about "the feds" than actually my own life. 
• I went to lunch with my mom yesterday, I think it's really nice when she pays, and I try not to feel guilty. Then as we are sitting at the table, I open up a little and tell her this super humiliating story about the holes in my academic education (and now I am realizing, likely holes in my brain) to which she laughed and and responded with "yeah, you have a learning disability, Honey." It's sooo cliche but I cannot count how many times I am diagnosed with different emotional, mental, and physically issues when I see my mother. It's cliche because she is my mom, and also a therapist, but it is only sad I guess when she says things like she did that day. "I feel like I help all the kids at my office so much, and I just can't help my children." She tells anyone with two ears that her children are struggling in this life, whether I am standing there or not.
• I need maple syrup, and this is exactly what I am talking about.
• My brain has a difficult time functioning properly when I have caffeine like this, and have slept the amount of hours that I did. I drank that tea that really actually works, and I took tylenol pm, which also really works when my tolerance in down.
• My mom said at lunch to never confine in my dad, because he says never to do anything that you don't want to. My mom also asked how good I am at trimming, asked if I am fast, wanted to know how good Dylan was at it. I told my mom that Dylan was very good and also very fast, and maybe she just wanted to know if I had trimmed before, or had watched Dylan, (she is sort of conniving and I forget that, probably intentionally). Then my mom says that it makes sense how skilled Dylan is because he has been doing it for so many years, which bothered me, thoroughly. I realize from time to time that I am the only person in my immediate family without a script, I then always wonder if I should get a script to grow and if it would help things, then I move on.
• (My last paycheck from the Inn was 42 dollars, of course that is my fault, but I owe my mom about two hundred this week; gotta get outta here)
• I hope I live in a family environment again someday, I think the setting would be really good for me, and I would be good in it. (Maybe even thrive). I love helping out, I like cleaning and cooking and being polite, I love sharing. I wish I could live with just my brother, and we could help each other, it's always been this kind of dream of mine. I love more than anything when I go over to a friend's house and their mom makes dinner, I love so much feeling included, I watched the olympics at Sam's and I don't even like her dad really but sat with everyone and I enjoyed it so much, I really soaked it all in, I love a home feel, I should do these things more often.
• My last heart-to-heart with my dad went like this: "So, how have things.. been?" "Oh... same ol' same ol'."
• I guess this is all growing up, and how terribly cliche, for me to say that I didn't expect it all to go this way