is the squeamish sick twist of my guts, the searing melting of my knees rendered useless, and the harsh abrupt and lasting trembling of my hands
"
"even in my dream i am struggling to evade this, escape all circumstances where anyone is able to quietly observe the reactions and my symptoms of this fearanxiety plagues me, until i am altogether conquered by its unremitting vigor
the affect is humiliating at best, and knowing how unrequited this all inescapably is makes for something rather stupid
differing and unbalanced results are lamentably a must, when so much as a look, or thought, takes total control over me
one instant of any sort can bring about an avalanche of responses both external and internal that should not be seen, and should not be explained
i walked inside the house and put my things down, i sit at the wooden table, i try to think of trivial and simple things
i look down at my hand and hope that who i am conversing with does not take notice, their quietly beating against the table, unable to be steadied by the quivering grasp of the other
the source of the problem is the root concern of becoming revealed, naked, exposed, but with such notions in mind, my distress evolves instantly into a blatant panic and worry
affirming and declaring just that, my degree and extent of caring, for such people, and situations at hand
i guess maybe i have just been subtly taken advantage of in the past, by those who care enough to recognize and figure out the essential cause
evidently it is those exclusive few who bring it out in the first place
and this is why i will not seek out, nor abide to personal relations of any sort, strong knees, calm stomach, still hands
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