Impressional

"with silence
comes the cold blade of the guillotine"

Perhaps A Thought Process

claritin, not seeing clearly, gorilla marketing, forgetting the city, clean carpets, espresso and coffee, doing laundry, roads with grass in the middle, not knowing what to say, wondering if the people you know still pray, boxes full of clothes, wearing shoes with holes, downloading songs from soundcloud and youtube, seeing movies with friends who still don't like the ones that you do, laughing alone in your room, trying to kill bugs while driving, people telling you that you're hiding, dreams with animals with chromosome disorders, losing possessions, square pictures, with borders, deciphering regrets, replaying conversations, joints and cigarettes, drinking different things, using different cups, trying to fall asleep, trying not to wake up, folding fitted sheets, smiling at people you'll never meet, eyes that constantly water, unable to cry, can't start conversations, wondering who am i, so worried that i'm boring, coconut waters, and trying not to eat eggs every morning, talking to people asleep, spit on sheets, fast days and slow nights with no outtings, sulking, wanting the phone to ring, pouting, wanting to be alone, being alone, not wanting to hear the phone, watermelon, cardboard boxes, using people, using parents, feeling like a moocher, people asking where you live, people asking about the future, staring at hands, changes of plans, old sutures and no new wounds, money and it leaving every which way, people you love but trying to make you stay, missing your friends sing, breaking twigs, grass, everything, trying to purify air, thoughts, remembering, wanting to disappear, wanting to lucid dream, mom saying you're doomed, with low self esteem, guilt, too much thinking, too much writing, not enough walking, not enough trying, dropping all arrangements, tie dying shirts, tie dye on pavement, conversations, and the ones that leave no traces, eyes are on fire, but trying not to complain with each and every statement, not knowing, and not knowing card games, being forced to move on, being forced to say people's names, reverting back in time, reverting to the same, driving and driving slowly, not staying in your lane, feeling claustrophobic, trapped in each situation, reminding yourself that this is vacation, knowing that you're wrong, wanting to show people songs, wanting your face not to be too close, but feeling so far away, refraining from over-sentiment, the feeling when you cave, salads, secrets, seeing you one day, heartache, melancholia, the forces of love, that you can't help but crave. 

Shoot Them Straight

"Bang the drums
Slow play the lonesome
Wind in the pines and leaves of elms
Can't tell the difference, day and nighttime
Books on tape and thieves on film
Wars are fought for no good reason
Rockhard bottom, to be on swell
Paisley dreams we half remember
The evil queen of a bleach blonde realm


In this life we mourn and gamble


Strangers that become best friends
Sorrows that we quickly drown


Shoot them straight, and from the hip
No double-talk, or triple speak"

Dead Wait

what do i even know, i'm not making anyone's life harder but my own, my mom said i don't have so much as coattails to ride, someone just show me the door
still trying to get home
inside..

Rational Rationing

and I don't want to be the one sabotaging just to get a reaction
I think it's good to expend some time and energy to spread feelings
there are just too many to ration

And They Are And I Do

When people are magic, I'm bound to get a little enamored.

Don't Want To

I know feelings like this do not last, I know I've thought similar things before, and that's how it goes. This time though, I am still thinking that I can't fathom being with anyone else, don't want to. It's ridiculous, I know, but do these things just last longer and longer each time? Cause it's been a rather long time, I'd leave it if I could. It's just that I recall everything you said, and your bed, and clothes, and voice, mannerisms, noises, and things I don't really have words for, and that's fine. The difference this time, is that I do not wish to forget. I'm nervous to find you, but the good nervous. I hope your shoes are still black, and you smell like cigarettes, and you're tall but you're perfect, and I hope you step the same way, where ever it is you're going.

A Lot Of The Time

I see now that you just wanted some light normalcy
I go along with it as long as I can, I do
you talk like a composed boat, on a placid blue
I am sorry I hold you under 
with what it is I say to you
I just feel heavy sometimes
I hope you can remember that in a positive light




we'll both give it a year to give it some air
both remembering how I care

It's Great But

"You are overly conscious. You go overboard."

Sorry If

“I'm sorry if this all seems a little rushed and desperate. 
It is."

And I Do Too

"the coldest feeling and the warmest haze

you slave your body through the darkest phase

i need to feel dumb

i need to know that something’s going wrong

to turn these bodies on…

the rain it pours

the lights descend

your hair got long and my eyes got red

cut the thinnest thread

the rain it pours and i do too"

Seven Years

what sort of luck

do you get

when breaking

a person who you used

   as only a reflection    

Do You Sleep Beside Them

""

Telling The Top From The Bottom

Does it make you miss having someone who knew every shade of your emotional spectrum
Or did you completely black it out like some traumatizing relationship with someone




I heard a phrase that reminded me of you, it read 'you can't stay on the top forever'
We both know you know there are exceptions to every rule, from when people like me
Dug you deep into a loop hole

Over The Whole Of Time

   "Beauty is unbearable, drives us to despair, offering us for a minute the glimpse of an eternity that we should like to stretch out over the whole of time."

Violet

Days like today are the best days, so I try to figure out why that is and what makes a day the best days. I guess you can't plan for things like that, it's a nice day in a way that no one is telling you it will be a fun and worth while day. I really love just sitting there, listening to you, and you talk about everything you have learned and have been learning. I don't even need to speak a word, but sometimes I do, and I tell you what I have been thinking and learning. We both share interest. The sun is beating down and I like that, and you don't and maybe not many people I have been around are still learning, maybe they stopped a long time ago. We share some coconut water, you are like me in that you would always, always prefer sharing, anything. I look at you and wonder when you got so good at eye contact, I try my best to match it, and if you miss a word of what I say you ask if I can repeat the whole thing. Most people maybe wouldn't like that, but I do. Your mood is fine, and we also have in common that we are just trying to feel calm, and we often talk about all the ways we're similar. We both know that money isn't real, but you still keep insisting you owe me five dollars. You give it to me again and again. Anyone watching could probably tell that not very many people ask us a lot of questions about what we're saying, like each other do, but no one is ever watching, it is just us, and it has always felt that way. You said today you want to learn photography with me, and often try to find me jobs if I say I need them, you're always trying to help me, and I can't tell if you see that. But I won't forget when you said in some round about way that I am the person who helps you for the right reasons, you said no one is selfless, and you can see easily why everyone does anything. You gave me the part of the bread I wanted, and we both laughed at how we bought way too many strawberries separately, you said before that we should start shopping together and splitting all our food, then said it again today. I like that you care about organic, and care about my allergies, and even when you say that the government could read every text message I've ever sent, and to be more careful. You thanked me for coming by. You said, "Life is good" and even if I were the most miserable I could ever be in my whole life, when you say that, life is good, and it is.

Fears

this morning i spent rubbing my face, but it just wouldn't come off. it reminded me too much of things to tell you, but you made a point to show me that you no longer had a lifetime to listen to me talk. every time you complimented, i returned it with a scoff, i guess you finally got offended by the shrugs, or sick of that walk. and as much as i have already trembled this day, i still cannot shake off that dream, i looked it up later and it said i needed to deal with my fears and anxiety. before i woke up i remember that i screamed. to whomever i was with i said, panicked, help me, help me. a virus i just couldn't face, crawling under my thin skin. that person looked at me and told me that only i could get out, what was that far in. they were so calm, patience with my cries, and to my surprise, i torn out that crawling sickness, conquering my most difficult strife. i was embarrassed of my gaping wound, not bearing to look at it, as hard as i tried, i was nervous, all my thoughts consumed by that bleeding hole, but this was my anguish to triumph, and i did, i was changed, i was whole.


     every once in a while i have nightmares, but swore to myself to scrawl out these dreams

Land To Swim To

"guilty with the blood of something beautiful

all over me

i’ve been weak and leaking so much poison

in all the rivers around me

the fish are dying

and the trees are vying for some light

but i’m the eternal night

i wasn’t gonna be just ok

i was gonna be perfect

was gonna make my love feel

like the first time you rode your bike without training wheels

kneel before you every day

like there was no one else before you

cause i’ve heard your heart beat

like that breeze that could bring any violence to its knees

and the best lines i’ve ever written

i plagiarized every word from the thoughts of yours

i heard while you were just sittin in silence

when i wanted to be eighty with you

birth babies like poems with you

and let them write themselves

wanted to hold your heart to my ear like a sea-shell

til i could hear the tides of every tear you’ve ever cried

then build islands in the seas of your eyes

so you’d see there’s land to swim to

was gonna love you so well

i’d wake every morning

and tell you things like this…

bliss is the moments you’re with me

when your gone my life hurts like hell

but i’ll do anything to make you happy

even if it means setting you free"

Arrive

"I started wishing on the stars in the sky instead. 
I said to the sun, tell me about the Big Bang. 
The sun said, 'It hurts to become.'
I carry that hurt on the tip of my tongue, and whisper 'Bless your heart' every chance I get.
So my family tree can be sure I have not left
You do not have to leave to arrive, I am learning this slowly.


For the record, if you have ever done anything for attention, this poem is attention, title it with your name.
It will scour the city bridge every time you stand staring at the river. 
It never wants to find your body doing anything but loving what it loves.
Love what you love.
Say 'This is my body, it is no one's but mine.’ 
This is my nervous system, my wanting blood, my tongue, tied up like a ball of Christmas lights.
If you put a star on the top of my tree, make sure it's a star that fell. Make sure it hit bottom like a tambourine. 
Because all these words are stories to the staircase to the top of my lungs where I sing what hurts. 
And the echo comes back."

Some Thoughts

• you said tonight that there is no format for this life and that you simply wanted your friends to be happy, and I loved you in that moment, but all I could say was yeah.
• I sat for days in that chair, I think it was blue, I looked out the window mostly. I made a joke to you that under these circumstances you had no say in whether or not you wanted to spend time with me, you didn't find it that funny. I remember feeling so far away, but not wishing to crowd you I stayed still, seconds later you told me to come next to you on your hospital bed.
• I knew you didn't know me, several times lately, first you said that everyone I have loved is still friends with me so I shouldn't worry about how I act towards them, second you said something about chapped lips, making me realize you don't know the extent to my self consciousness. Also you think that I don't mind that you smoke, you said you had to keep the butts in my car because you didn't want to litter in front of cops. You are so wrong about things, and I love you for it, but seeing how people hit relationship walls.
• you told me that people feel this sort of obligation to be in each other's company, for their own reasons, but no one really actually converses, not wanting to be asked the questions they would even ask each other. You said it's strange for you to think of people still being sad and hopeless and never growing out of sulking, I didn't want to explain to you this longevity.
• you are always different you's, and I like that nearly as much as I like me being different me's.

Something Planted

you can spend a whole life over-watering cacti
I have found, but now
I'm only looking for someone to keep my feet on this ground
somebody to keep me from making a sound
and if anyone is so much as gone
for some hours or days
I'll assume they'll get lost in a personal maze
and no matter how close a loved one or friend
I've got to assume I will never see them again 

because I've seen what can become putting all of myself into a flawless affection
now how can I entrust trust in any lesser connections

Had Years

"There is a reason my body creaks like a closing casket

every time I fuck with the lights left on

It is the same reason my friend

sets fire to photographs of birds

and follows the smoke with pleading eyes.

We’ve both had years when the Phoenix didn’t rise,

When we slept in beds of cindered feathers

and held hollow ashen beaks the way the other kids hold ice cream cones.

I sucked the bones of a songbird’s rotting wings

and you think your pills are going to fix me, doctor?

You think I’m going to chase this down with water?

And my silence equaled every Christmas morning we were still happy and grateful.

if I could face the eye of your storm in the warning

locked in my voice box that never came

Would I tell you all of this and after that

Would I find the nerve to admit that even if I could I wouldn’t take my silence back?"

Finding The Strength To Come Up For Air

i wish i could bring you back,

it's as if your ghost

took all the attributes of you

that i hated most

i'm left with what was good

of you

i wish you understood

just that

i wish that i could bring you back

you're as gone as you could be

dead

and i'm just the fleshiest form of me

but you are so many layers deep

we know i cannot go down there for what isn't mine

i've gone to great depths

but god knows i may not resurface this time

In My Mouth

"I can’t breath with these words in my mouth
But I’m not going to say them
Yeah, I’ve made that mistake before"

It Dissipates

it gets hazy, sort of dark, colorless but not black, indescribably nothing. You feel it slipping away but it feels right, you knew it couldn't last forever, but you also don't expect anything to occur afterwards. Once it is really gone it is hard to imagine it happening at all, you wonder then if it was just projections, your mind playing tricks, you attempt to decipher what could possibly be real. You play it over and over again in your head, it never gets old, and even changes slightly time to time. Almost like a camera in a movie, the shot goes back and forth from face to face, you see smiles, and feel them radiating through time. You feel practically giddy with genuine happiness, and realize how foolish you were to have been blind to the fraudulence. You experience deception, coming to terms with never being able to get it back again, the feeling mostly, and then finally the thought crosses your mind that you would be better off without it at all. You question what you would be like without it, in your mind, and the notion breaks you. You are humiliated to speak of it, speak of anything so real, so false, it weighs you down most days. It was gone when it ended, but you've been feeling the repercussions of it fading, for two some years now. You hope one day, so desperately, that you chalk it up to a dream, like it was, all it could be, and let it go.

Weekend

           

Rephrasing

Rephrasing of Repeating Realizations:

I am totally aware of the counterproductive and very backwards nature of me apologizing for inappropriately feeling remorse (in the first place). I believe that the irony therein lies not the prior said statement, but rather the knowledge that both thoughts or concerns will be met with equivalent apathy, always have been. Also, more and more I am seeing that when someone is purging their own twisted personal truth, it isn't that catharsis is for the other person, confessions more than not have a hugely selfish overtone. Remember that. So, sorry to everyone who finds this confusing, not just my actions, but so often what you see to be my feelings towards your actions. The worst has been done, and all this really is, is not me attempting to prove my unwavering love any longer; I've grasped that I should more than detest most of you. If I could only apologize for your stabbing me, however deep, try to understand that you are not twisting, and I will take that. The learning process is acknowledging to myself the way that I should be reacting, in some other fucking version of this life, universe and its lessons. It is not learning to not let go, or hate you, for that makes me feel miles worse, and you much better, and it looks as if I look out for myself now. I was taught that. Just before you pinpoint this as some individualized, or special-circumstance situation, don't misunderstand, we both wordlessly see what you deserve, the rather arduous part it seems for us all is determining what is it that I do. Apathy, conceivably.


also, this is sleepless garble, 
and usually is.

Through

  "It should have been easy, passing,             but  it  is  like  walking  through  mud."

The Very Fact This Choice Exists

""

We Want The Same Things

Someone told me the other day to not get mistaken, by thinking anything changes.

Had Been That Long

I had a dream that I ended up in your house. I was at your table, with other people, and it was not the only thing different, everything was and I couldn't even recognize it. It had been that long. I couldn't get at all comfortable, with the slightest notion that you did not want me there, I tried to leave so badly. When I finally made it out I had no shoes, and walked the streets barefoot for a long time. I couldn't tell you I was in your house when I saw you, you told me that you already knew. I felt terrible, but you weren't mad. So I asked if you wanted a ride to work.

"You're bored of cheering me up
Bored of calming me down
Bored of drying my eyes
But there was once a time when you were the one

You were the blue of the sky
You came after the storm
You were the switch on the wall
In the dark of the hall
That I'm still fumbling for

Because I'm lost in the black
I don't know where I am
I have my arms stretched out in front
And I'm calling your name just as loud as I can

And I know there's words that we will never speak
And the questions can't be answered easily
But I want it to be easy"

I am working diligently on my honesty

and honestly it is hard

but when you find me

I will find the words

Ah

Love being proved wrong more than right.

Some Inside Jokes Some Good Times

Aside from the petty blurbs 
what ties are not imagined?
Were the thoughts even asked for?
It is time to go.

Come For Me

"I have lived my life so uncomfortably."

Prophecies

Survival instincts without a doubt go further than fight or flight, or life or death situations. I think that the subconscious desire to survive, paired with the conscious or subconscious wanting to prove yourself right, or be right, can be a very interesting thing. So, without even knowing it, you could have set up in your mind a self-fufilled prophecy, and could be repeatedly pleasuring yourself with the outcome of simply proving yourself correct in your own truths. For example, if I believed, in some suppressed or no more than latent sense that because as far back as I could remember that there were two types of meaningful relationships that I could be a part of, I had been living a life unknowingly affirming that truth. That is neither solely because I wanted to be right, or just because I thought it to be fact, it's probably some of both. When my mind was deciphering so many years ago, what a relationship really meant, knowing only my family members to base that presumption on, I think that I decided that there were two discernible relations, and outcomes from those connections, both ending with digression. A. The first kind is to find the loved one so remarkably disappointing, upon seeing that they will never change their ways, you distance yourself as a coping mechanism, to avoid further hurt and letdown. You find acceptance within yourself, perhaps even forgiveness, but nothing could ever be as you had hoped. B. The second kind of love is to discern yourself to be such an endless, cureless disappointment to the other, as well as yourself. It is clear that you are not good enough, unworthy, useless, and the only choice is to discontinue making yourself a burden, and leave while you can.
Every relationship of mine since has been consumed by one thought or the other, or a combination of the two, in my struggle to survive, I do what I have to, to insure that I come out alive. In the protection and preservation of your heart, all intimate or important affections have a sort of basic fight or flight facet. In the primitive sense, of avoiding getting caught, stuck, or destroyed by something, I think the same goes for attachments. 
In the end, what is comprehendible, as well as rings valid, is that someone is left after the event of one's departure feeling of no worth. Feeling so vastly disappointing, that it would be absurdly selfish to ever go back to put that upon someone you care so greatly for. Every good relationship must conclude in a personal forfeit, for the best interest of the other, for yourself, or in the best interest of yourself for yourself. There is nothing meaningless, or cheap about giving up yourself, it is an act of love, one of the strongest forms of affirmation. This is not to say that it is for the other person, it is survival of the fittest, and emotional fittest and acknowledging then acting upon the right thing to do. I think it gets confusing with what I said previously, with doing everything that you possibly can to prove your personal theories to be true, you tell yourself that you are not enough, or the other person isn't enough, and no one could ever be the accurate amount of everything for someone significant. Basically, I was trained, by myself, in a very elemental stage of my life that there inescapably comes a time to distance yourself or be distanced from, and subconsciously I have been watching it replay itself out for the decade or so subsequent. Sometimes the pattern tears, but connately I don't want to be wrong.
It would mean they could have been enough, I could have been enough, still could be.

Past Projections (The Little I Have To Work With)

How selfish of I
to think that I sucked you dry
how selfish of you
for what you do


what a fantastic idea
to think I rendered you unable to cry
like I hadn't before
like I haven't since
what a fantastic idea
to think I affected your life
in the way you affected mine

The Horror Of Living In Succession

"Being with you or being without you is the measure of my time. 




It, I know, is love: the anxiety and the relief at hearing your voice, the expectation and the memory, 


the horror of living in succession. 




(This room is unreal; she has not seen it.)

A woman hurts me in all of my body."

Reminders

"I think then that people find out how much I care about them all at once, and it is like too much."

"No, they knew all along."

"Yeah, or they just knew all along."

I Want To Share When I Am Happy, Loving Or Loved

It's been weeks and weeks, but I can say right now that I am in a positive place. I want to tell everyone, and that it a great feeling. I hope that it lasts long enough to keep going with it, use it for hope, and momentum. When I feel good I do not worry so much about how bad my future could turn out, or how much I don't really like myself, or how I wish so much good for all my loved ones who might not be getting it.
I get so insanely humiliated when I am having a hard time, especially struggling with being so sad, like I was, and probably always will be. I do apologize for mostly really only going to writing when I am the most down, I promise myself I will alter that (there is a lot of greatness still left).
And if my hands are fists, I am not fighting, I am just trying to hold on.

Sealed At Birth

"I’ve been forced to admit that the slightest weight could bury me. 
And now the leaves are turning on the trees 
and there’s a map between me and what I need. 
I don’t know if it needs me, it feels like I’m sinking."


"Though the paths we choose are wrought with pain 
and wind and bend, unpaved,
can lead us all astray, no matter how we change. 
Connections sealed at birth with blood remain."

I Had An Epiphany

"I told my girlfriend I'd had an epiphany that night, and she told me to stop taking that drug 'cos it was bad for your heart."

Never Went

    "Then June Gloom 
     never went away."

People And Life Of Meaning

I forgot how much I prefer misery over mediocrity. Be dreadful, please don't be neutral.

Try To Be A Filter Not A Sponge

“And I guess I realized at that moment that I really did love her. Because there was nothing to gain, and that didn't matter.” 



“Well, I thought a lot of things, but mostly I thought that your being sad was much more important to me 
than Craig not being your boyfriend any more, and if it meant that I would  never get to think of you that way, 
as long as you were happy, it was okay. That's I realized I really loved you.”

Bad

I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD ANY MORE.
fuck if I know if I am 
projecting......

Death Rattled

And when we meet face to face
I will no longer have to dream of death
you will smile
as you watch me leave myself
and I will smile back
feeling myself die


God aligns this life
with such exactitude
he waits until I'm at cliff's edge
until I see you

four days past, June 19, 2012

But when we meet again, face to face

I will no longer question perfect

for you will smile

watching the good parts come alive inside me

and I will smile back

feeling a smile worth a lifetime

God aligns this life

with such sloppy exactitude

he waits until I'm finally on the mend

to maybe see you

I Want To Go Home

""

Three Epiphanies

I guess when I really ask myself what the problem is, the real-deep-down-problem, it is the concern that I will never again be happy. It's hard, I think, because with happiness, or the idea of it, comes all these other things. I have felt such pure and real happiness and I think that is scary, because it isn't easy to reach, or easy to get close. When I think of happiness I have this dark recollection that flashes, almost every time, and I mean dark in the sense that it was late, and I was almost sleep. I might as well barf out what I am thinking of. So me and this person are in their guest bedroom, the bed we slept in so many nights, the bed I lied awake in so many more. I was on my side of the bed, and this person on theirs, and we were lying close, I don't even really know what we were talking about, but I remember it had a serious, intimate nature as it usually did. This person was whispering very, very soft, a sound hardly audible at all, I swear most people wouldn't have heard a thing. So we are lying there, tired, and conversing, and I could not make out what it is exactly that the person said to me last. I ask this person to repeat it, and then again, the more angry and heated this person got so apparently, the more humorous I found the whole thing. By the end of it, I had to admit that I still did not know what words they were speaking, but I could barely say that myself, for I was laughing so hard. This person maybe found it funny in the slightest, a bit later, but told me to stop laughing, and I couldn't, I wanted terribly to prove how serious I was to this person, but I was just too happy to contain myself. The point of all this is that happiness to me is specific, and has to be such an absurd amount of genuine, happiness means that if my life depended on, I couldn't hold back my smile. Sadness comes simple, sadness comes easy, enough time alone, some time with people, watching a movie, doing anything. Sadness is created from thinking, from feeling, it might not even be created, just brought out, like it has been waiting, and I've been ignoring it, comes out strong. Epiphany number one, is that the fear of a lack of happiness, makes me really very unhappy, a lot. Please don't misunderstand this, though, I am not beating around the bush but really trying to say that mediocrity upsets me more than most, whose lives consist of only that, I am trying to explain that happiness is just ridiculously important to me, the notion of it, and most importantly, the awareness of it.

The second recent epiphany, which is actually much less... determining, was upon mulling over, yet again, my relationship with Nick. I will be completely blunt in regards to this realization, due to it being largely personal and complex on its own, ambiguity could only makes things worse at this point. It is funny to think about, how people tell me so often that I can gain nothing from reexamining past events, playing out what-ifs, and going through scenarios and even years, from another perspective. I won't argue with the fact that it is not frequent that people find peace, or come to terms with a situation just sitting there dwelling upon it endlessly. With that said, years later, with little change in anything pertaining to the happening, I have come to a conclusion that is not just massive, but massively... consoling, for lack of a better word. How the thought process began I suppose was when I was thinking about how Nick was definitely unhappy with his life much of our relationship, towards the end. He was insanely disappointed, lost, and disheartened by all things in his life, maybe except for him and I. Reality had struck him, and besides our relationship, all other aspects of his life not merely disenchanted him, but were visibly crumbling and collapsing. This is not to say that does not put a strain on a relationship, nor is it to say that it would and does potentially make that person not the best version of themselves, but our different, yet shared depressions were not to blame, I concluded. Subsequent to years of pondering over all of our dissimilarities, and all the ways we handle situations differently, this all has to do with our sameness. Our relationship was beautiful in the beginning, love filled, honest, sweet, gentle, careful, but I pinpointed the degeneration. Why does love deteriorate, when it is not flawed nor false? Our hearts could not love, not fully, not hardly at all, for they were mutually broken. The one thing in our lives that Nick and I esteemed and treasured more than our relationship, the only thing that we quietly wished would last longer, and we cared so much more for, was our friendships, and not all of our friendships, not just the important ones, but one. I was not threatened at the time by Nick's relationship with Brad, though I did somewhat wish to understand it better, I knew its gravity, as well as privacy, I knew we were pale in comparison. Now Brad and Nick did speak to me of each other sometimes, I would get bits and pieces of their sentiments, conversations or moments. Nick and I spoke a lot, and of a lot of things, but nothing, and not at all, contrasted by them. And while I did not often speak of my best friendship at the time, I did not hardly disclose any moments or dialogue to Nick, for my own reasons, it is likely safe to say that he knew, the weight, the severity. Our best friends were also in relationships at the time, though Nick and I both are not outwardly jealous people, not really jealous people to begin with. How our relationship together affected our friends, was much varied from how they saw or felt about ours. To cut to the chase, whether Nick and myself are to blame entirely, it was very close in time that our very, most important friendships were dying, slipping away. Our whole hearts and minds were consumed by this fear, then truth, and suddenly, within ourselves we began to mourn. We discussed with each other here and there about the goings on, but we were really writhing in pain, suffering so greatly, beyond words, beyond caring for anything else. At nearly the same time, he and I were struggling to come to some sort of terms with how this was, or attempting to fix it, salvage something, salvage ourselves out of this wreckage. I am not sure how much I place the blame on him, or me, I am not sure how much he places the blame on me, or him. We both could blame those friends, for giving up on us and the one thing of permanence we felt we could ever have. Nick and I were both so madly and ridiculously in love with our best friends, that one another could not dampen the severe damage, to our whole lives. We mourned for so long, no end in sight, at all, we were grieving a heartbreak neither of us ever anticipated could occur. By the time I broke up with Nick, we had been carrying so much agony and hurt, we parted ways, apathetic to our own situation, at very best.

The third epiphany is short, and not really sweet, because actually it is something that I am worried I can not heal internally. This idea, and actuality, might be a life long conflict, that hurts myself and others is a strange uneasy way. What I am speaking of, that people have made abundantly clear to me recently, is that I do not feel or act upon situations correctly, my sentiments are skewed, and rationalizations rather crazy. I think when I really noticed this was how twice this past week or two I have been stuck in my car, behind a car ahead of me that is in a conversation with another person. The car in front of me is stopped, and while both parties are conscious that I am sitting there, stopped, they continue to converse, barely rushed. Any other normal human being would be mad, maybe even furious, at the selfishness of the driver stopped ahead, they know that I am there, and ignore my inconvenience as well as (obvious) patience. I can justify anything to make me selfless, this sounds like a positive attribute in a person, I assure you, it is exactly the opposite. The first time this happened, I told myself that the people were in the middle of a conversation, I told myself that they were friends and so happy to see each other, and my being there had to break up this whole thing, I FELT BADLY. The second time that this almost same situation occurred, today, I watched two men talking, me stopped behind the truck, in the middle of the street, nearly home. I said to myself that the man outside the car needed to tell the driver where to go, their conversation was important, more so than me getting home, and it would be stupid of me to get angry, or try to drive around them, if I am only stopped for a minute or two. Now hopefully these examples, demonstrations of my 'understanding', say that I can turn any event at all into a chance to feel sorry for myself. I do not feel things appropriately, and clearly, driving obstacles are the least of my concern. I may be the most forgiving person on the planet, because I do not even accurately feel the resentment, or frustration in the first place, I love forgiving so much that it isn't only easy, but I had been ready to all along. It is difficult to describe this as an awful a trait as it is, but to say the least, it messes things up with a person if that person shoots you in the heart with no reason at all, and you still adore them because you justified the situation in a way that you knew deep down that you deserved to be shot. If you were to find each and every situation 'fair', socially, and actually in all aspects, it makes that person feel like shit, for getting what they are worthy of, and it often being letdown or betrayal. How disturbing, to accept everyone who ever did you wrong with open arms, and see all past misery or deceit as suitable. But the problem therein lies the fact that I cannot bring myself to feel rage, I can't get pissed off, and treat people accordingly. If anything happens at all, I feel sorry for myself and treat myself and my life accordingly. I just can't write people off, if I truly feel like I am scarcely worthy all the while. Everyone I love is better than I am to me, and every driver on the face of the earth has to be more important, because their lives must be of more value than my own.

Something

"Now I am shown

the treacherous pains 

to become something whole"

Quietest Place On Earth

"There’s a small room in Minnesota that blocks out 99% of all external sound. That’s an impressive number! Also impressive: nobody can take more than 45 minutes alone in the room before they go nuts.

The Daily Mail describes Orfield Labs’ anechoic chamber—perfect for making extremely sensitive audio measurements. But also perfect for sending you into a hallucinatory hell so hellacious you’ll need a chair:

‘When it’s quiet, ears will adapt. The quieter the room, the more things you hear. You’ll hear your heart beating, sometimes you can hear your lungs, hear your stomach gurgling loudly. ‘In the anechoic chamber, you become the sound.’ And this is a very disorientating experience. Mr. Orfield explained that it’s so disconcerting that sitting down is a must. He said: ‘How you orient yourself is through sounds you hear when you walk. In the anechnoic chamber, you don’t have any cues. You take away the perceptual cues that allow you to balance and maneuver. If you’re in there for half an hour, you have to be in a chair.’

That sounds swell. Just the serene quiet of you, your thoughts, and the unceasing pounding of the human heart. Your brain can’t take it, apparently, and begins to fabricate sounds that aren’t really there—completely delusional noises meant to block out the churning of your own horrid biomass."


[Source]

Secure Base

"Panic disorder with agoraphobia

Agoraphobia; Anxiety disorder- agoraphobia

Panic disorder with agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which a person has attacks of intense fear and anxiety. There is also a fear of being in places where it is hard to escape, or where help might not be available.

Agoraphobia usually involves fear of crowds, bridges, or of being outside alone.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The exact causes of panic disorder and agoraphobia are unknown. Because panic attacks often occur in areas or situations where they have happened in the past, panic may be a learned behavior. Agoraphobia sometimes occurs when a person has had a panic attack and begins to fear situations that might lead to another panic attack.

Anyone can develop a panic disorder, but it usually starts around age 25. Panic disorder is more common in women than men.

Symptoms

Panic attacks involve short periods of intense anxiety symptoms, which peak within 10 minutes. Panic attack symptoms can include:

• Chest pain or discomfort
• Choking
• Dizziness or faintness
• Fear of being out of control
• Fear of dying
• Fear of "going crazy"
• Hot flashes or chills
• Nausea or other stomach distress
• Numbness or tingling
• Racing heart
• Shortness of breath
• Sweating
• Trembling

With agoraphobia, you avoid places or situations because you do not feel safe in public places. The fear is worse when the place is crowded.

Symptoms of agoraphobia include:

• Being afraid of spending time alone
• Being afraid of places where escape might be hard
• Being afraid of losing control in a public place
• Depending on others
• Feeling detached or separated from others
• Feeling helpless
• Feeling that the body is not real
• Feeling that the environment is not real
• Having an unusual temper or agitation
• Staying in the house for long periods of time"
  
  
  "Agoraphobia (from Greek ἀγορά, "marketplace"; and φόβος/φοβία, -phobia) is an anxiety disorder characterized by anxiety in situations where it is perceived to be difficult or embarrassing to escape. These situations can include, but are not limited to, wide-open spaces, and uncontrollable social situations such as may be met in shopping malls, airports, and on bridges. Agoraphobia is defined within the DSM-IV TR as a subset of panic disorder, involving the fear of incurring a panic attack in those environments. The sufferer may go to great lengths to avoid those situations, in severe cases becoming unable to leave their home or safe haven.
  Although mostly thought to be a fear of public places, it is now believed that agoraphobia develops as a complication of panic attacks. However, there is evidence that the implied one-way causal relationship between spontaneous panic attacks and agoraphobia in DSM-IV may be incorrect. Onset is usually between ages 20 and 40 years and more common in women. Approximately 3.2 million, or about 2.2%, of adults in the US between the ages of 18 and 54, suffer from agoraphobia. Agoraphobia can account for approximately 60% of phobias. Studies have shown two different age groups at first onset: early to mid twenties, and early thirties.
  In response to a traumatic event, anxiety may interrupt the formation of memories and disrupt the learning processes, resulting in dissociation. Depersonalization (a feeling of disconnection from one’s self) and derealisation (a feeling of disconnection from one's surroundings) are other dissociative methods of withdrawing from anxiety.
  Standardized tools such as Panic and Agoraphobia Scale can be used to measure agoraphobia and panic attacks severity and monitoring treatment.

  Attachment theory

  Some scholars have explained agoraphobia as an attachment deficit, i.e., the temporary loss of the ability to tolerate spatial separations from a secure base. Recent empirical research has also linked attachment and spatial theories of agoraphobia."