It Dissipates

it gets hazy, sort of dark, colorless but not black, indescribably nothing. You feel it slipping away but it feels right, you knew it couldn't last forever, but you also don't expect anything to occur afterwards. Once it is really gone it is hard to imagine it happening at all, you wonder then if it was just projections, your mind playing tricks, you attempt to decipher what could possibly be real. You play it over and over again in your head, it never gets old, and even changes slightly time to time. Almost like a camera in a movie, the shot goes back and forth from face to face, you see smiles, and feel them radiating through time. You feel practically giddy with genuine happiness, and realize how foolish you were to have been blind to the fraudulence. You experience deception, coming to terms with never being able to get it back again, the feeling mostly, and then finally the thought crosses your mind that you would be better off without it at all. You question what you would be like without it, in your mind, and the notion breaks you. You are humiliated to speak of it, speak of anything so real, so false, it weighs you down most days. It was gone when it ended, but you've been feeling the repercussions of it fading, for two some years now. You hope one day, so desperately, that you chalk it up to a dream, like it was, all it could be, and let it go.