Not Alone, Never Have Been

it was just darkness there standing beside me
when i knew i couldn't just blame myself
it is here now, and was there then
back before i was twelve
and living off ridge road
a makeshift home where the family broke
i was out on the driveway
about a decade ago
i was singing a song i wrote
the year i decided i wanted to make a profession
out of sad songs, no skill to play instruments
still the same, some half-ass coping implement
that year whenever it was
that i came to terms with life being harder for me
just because
that darkness never left
in the happy moments it crept, quietly
showing me when i wanted least
that i would much rather feel misery
it displayed for me what i would later regret to call intimacy


and there is a dog named pain
on one side of a short chain
and the same person is holding the other end
addiction coursing through a mutt's veins
in the weak incidents of the bigger person
it will let that dog charge free rein
observing it chew to another person's core
until that person cannot stand it any more
but i won't let that happen again
i keep myself in my own reach
snarling and brooding
i use everything i have got to keep that dog on its leash
and sometimes it is easy, other times that dog wants to run
towards something positive to turn into sadness
and call it love