Rephrasing

Rephrasing of Repeating Realizations:

I am totally aware of the counterproductive and very backwards nature of me apologizing for inappropriately feeling remorse (in the first place). I believe that the irony therein lies not the prior said statement, but rather the knowledge that both thoughts or concerns will be met with equivalent apathy, always have been. Also, more and more I am seeing that when someone is purging their own twisted personal truth, it isn't that catharsis is for the other person, confessions more than not have a hugely selfish overtone. Remember that. So, sorry to everyone who finds this confusing, not just my actions, but so often what you see to be my feelings towards your actions. The worst has been done, and all this really is, is not me attempting to prove my unwavering love any longer; I've grasped that I should more than detest most of you. If I could only apologize for your stabbing me, however deep, try to understand that you are not twisting, and I will take that. The learning process is acknowledging to myself the way that I should be reacting, in some other fucking version of this life, universe and its lessons. It is not learning to not let go, or hate you, for that makes me feel miles worse, and you much better, and it looks as if I look out for myself now. I was taught that. Just before you pinpoint this as some individualized, or special-circumstance situation, don't misunderstand, we both wordlessly see what you deserve, the rather arduous part it seems for us all is determining what is it that I do. Apathy, conceivably.


also, this is sleepless garble, 
and usually is.